Did You Ever Believe?
by Miss Broken59
Summary: Eli's reason for being an atheist... ONE SHOT


***I got this idea today and I fell in love with it so I decided to type it up. I'll be updating my story about Joey soon and MAYBE my Eclare fanfiction, MAYBE! A lot of you seemed to want me to so who knows. Also, I'm going to make a Fiona/Mike one shot because I love them. :}*** ***Enjoy!***

ELI'S POV

Clare and I were in my house just sitting there talking. I had asked her if she wanted to go somewhere with me tomorrow but she couldn't because she had some church thing to go to. I sighed and nodded.

"Eli, can I ask you a question?" she asked softly and politely. She seemed kind of nervous to ask the question so I was scared to see what it was.

"Sure, ask away."

"Have you always been.. was there ever a time when you did believe in God?" she glanced down. It seemed she felt bad for asking that, like maybe she thought it was like her questioning my beliefs and dis-beliefs.

"There was a time when I did believe, in God. But things happened and I just.. don't, anymore."

"Is it because of what happened with Julia?"

"No, Clare. Not _everything_ is because of Julia. You don't have to make that the designated answer to every single thing that's wrong with me." I snapped at her.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you upset.. I just want to know what made you not believe anymore..."

I sighed, knowing that it did seem like I was upset with her. "Do you really want to know, Clare?"

She nodded shyly so I began with the story.

"I used to have a brother, his name was David." It hurt to be talking about David, no one that I knew knows about him.

I began speaking again, "He was my hero. He was the cool big brother that I wanted to be like and I was just his younger brother who tagged along with him."

I briefly looked down then back up at Clare. "Soon he got a girlfriend, I can't quite remember her name but she went to Degrassi, as did he. That's another thing, I lived here when I was younger but after this happened we moved and soon decided to come back."

Clare was listening attentively to every word I said, "They dated for a while but.. things happened. She broke up with him for another guy."

I scoffed, a terrible thing for her to do. "He was only thirteen but man did he love her. He got depressed and.. he tried killing himself. I found him one day on the bathroom floor. Being the smart guy he is he took pills, he figured it would be the least painful way to do it. When I found him it was terrifying, one of the worst things I'd ever seen. I never want to see someone like that again."

I felt tears in my eyes which really never happened.

Clare remained silent, just waiting for me to trail on. "My parents sent him somewhere for a few months, they said he'd get better. He was there and progressing rapidly, he had gone back to normal quickly. They released him and he was fine for a while."

Quickly, I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Until, he saw the girl and the guy she dumped him for at school kissing. He couldn't handle it. Me, just being in elementary school at the time got home after he did and Bullfrog and CeCe were at work. When I got home I noticed a note on a table near the door.."

More tears filled my eyes and I wiped them away with the back of my hand.

"The note said: "Family and Friends" on it in his messy handwriting.. I think I still have it around here somewhere." I began digging around in the top drawer of my dresser before hearing Clare speak.

"Eli, you don't have to get it. It's okay." But it was too late, now I was determined to find it and nothing Clare said would stop me.

When I found it I sat beside Clare again and opened it. The note had two different sections, one for me and one for my parents. I decided to just read Clare what section was for me.

Before I began reading out loud I read a few lines to myself.

The note reading, "Dear Eli, I know I may not be the best brother sometimes and I'm sorry for that. You're really great and none of this is your fault. I hope you one day find the right girl, like I did. May she not break your heart along the way. Please promise me you'll take care of mom and dad and keep your grades up. You have the potential to be whatever you want to be. I'll always love my annoying kid brother, even in the afterlife. Don't forget me. -David"

I felt two or three tears slip out and roll down my cheeks. Clare just looked at me so I decided to just carry on with the story.

"After I read the note I walked into his room not finding him so I searched the house, coming to the backyard. When I got there I saw him with an extension chord hanging around his neck, he was dangled from a tree branch." I swallowed again, trying my best not to cry.

"I ran into the house, calling 911 then each of my parents." I just stared blankly at Clare, awaiting an answer. I hoped my quietness would show her I was waiting for her to speak.

Thankfully it did, "Why did this make you lose faith in God?" she spoke quietly. I'm pretty sure she thought if she said one wrong thing I'd snap.

"Well, if God did exist he wouldn't have screwed me over like that. If he did exist he took away the greatest person in my life. Why would the almighty God take away someone I needed in my life?"

She nodded, I think she understood where I was coming from.

"What year did this happen?" She tilted her head to the side, looking at me, waiting for me to speak.

I thought for a moment before answering. "2004."

She raised an eye brow, deep in thought I presume. "I remember that in spring 2004 Darcy wouldn't go to school for a week. Someone she knew had commit suicide."

Then it dawned upon me, those conversations I had with David about his beautiful girlfriend. When Clare spoke her name I remembered, Darcy was that retched girl that my brother killed himself for.

I was dating the sister of the reason for my brother's death. "Clare..Darcy was the reason."

"What? Reason for what?" How could she be so idiotic, "Reason for what," what does she think?

"You're sister is the girl who broke my brother's heart! The reason for him killing himself!" I screamed to her.

"You're just like her. You broke up with me and I almost did exactly what he did. I almost killed myself because of.. _you_. I crashed my hearse into a wall for _you!_ Did you forget about that? Would you have been as heartless as your sister was. She didn't even drop by to express her condolences." I snapped and continued going on.

"She probably wasn't even sad, she probably just told everyone that she was sad so she could miss school for a few days."

I scoffed and noticed her about to cry. Honestly, I didn't even care, it's not like I could do anything to her sister so I might as well take my rage out on Clare.

For a moment I thought about apologizing but she really didn't deserve it. I'm sure one day she'll do the same thing to me.

"Get out, Clare. You'll just do the same thing your sister did and leave me for some guy. I'll end up trying to end everything for you and I swore to myself I'd never end my life for a girl." She wasn't moving, all that happened was she started sobbing and I quickly felt bad but decided not to apologize.

I needed out of the relationship, I couldn't have things end up like how they did with my brother. I wouldn't, couldn't let that happen.

I snapped again, noticing her not moving other than the motions of her hands wiping her tears away. "_Get. Out." _I snapped and she quickly got up, escaping my room and my house.

Was that the right decision? Right now I don't think it is but.. I doubt my brother would want me to be with that terrible girl's little sister.

I base my decisions off of what I think he'd want, to try to keep him still here. In a way.

***The end!***

***I really like it.. even though I ship Eclare o.e weird.***

***Hope you enjoyed :D Review please!***


End file.
